Friday, 6 February 2015

Time to talk: Take 5 to blog...


First off you'll have noticed that i've had a bit of a blog make over, head over heels just didn't feel like me anymore and i was due a change, i've still got a few things to tweak including setting up a domain name but it'll do for now. Secondly i know this should have been posted yesterday but the day just went from bad to worse, better late then never though right?

The last couple of weeks haven't been good so i've been avoiding social media but a text yesterday from the lovely Anna reminded me that it was time to talk day which i couldn't ignore (although evidently could delay). For those of you who don't already know time to talk day is part of the time to change program, set up by Mind and rethink to promote mental health awareness and challenge stigma and discrimination. The aim is to get as many people talking as possible by taking just five minutes to have a conversation about mental health, or in the blogosphere to 'take 5 to blog.'
I've spoken quite candidly about my own experiences with mental health before now on my blog, (mostly here and here) but regardless i still wanted to participate in the take 5 to blog scheme so here goes...

My name is Charlotte.

I have experienced anxiety, depression, self harm, bulimia and PTSD. I'm also under review at the moment with the potential diagnosis of a personality disorder on the horizon.

My mental illness has affected every aspect of my life; i can't have relationships, i put myself in vulnerable situations, i ruin friendships, it can take hours to work up the courage to leave the house on my own, i have panic attacks to the point that i pass out, i constantly doubt myself and put myself down, i can go from hugely elated to hopelessly crying in the space of an hour, i spend the majority of my days in therapist offices, i can't make plans and look to the future, i can't even do normal things like go swimming or enjoy a meal with friends. Every day feels like i'm fighting with my own head, fighting thoughts, feelings and impulses that scare the hell out of me. Over the last year my mental health deteriorated to the point that i attempted suicide in November. That's how much mental illness has affected my life; it nearly took my life.

My greatest source of support has been my best friend Jordan who has always been there for me and has saved my life probably more times than he realises, he was the first person i opened up to about my problems and has never once judged me. More importantly then that though he reminds me that it's possible to be happy, he makes me laugh, he lets me be myself, heck he even puts up with the pain inducing process of taking my bog photos. To him i am just me not depression or bulimia or any other illness.
At the moment i also wouldn't be surviving without my therapists...yes plural, i know that some people struggle with getting the help that they need so i'm grateful for the position that i'm in. It's taken me years to get to this point but i finally feel like i'm getting the right help and that i'm seeing people who i can be entirely trusting of which is making a huge difference.

My hope for the future is that i can be happy, that's all i ask. I no longer say i hope to be normal because firstly what does that even mean and secondly because i've come to accept that i will always have mental health issues, i just hope that i can gain enough control over them that i can start living my life again.

So i guess that's my mental health in five bite size pieces. Reading it back it doesn't sound very inspiring, like i said i'm struggling at the moment but hopefully soon i'll gain back some of the positivity that came through in last years time to talk post. I am happy though that i pushed myself to post and also that i finally got around to taking these photos, even if they were hugely rushed, sound a little like a dating ad and include a hugely frustrating spelling mistake...let me know if you spot it (i hope it's just one) but more importantly let me know if you've taken part in take 5 to blog.

8 comments:

  1. Charlotte, it doesn't matter if you're a day late or even a week late, you've taken part & that is incredible! :) *massive round of applause for taking part*

    I really, really like your new blog layout, style & name :)

    I'm not just saying this because we are friends but your blog is one of them when I see you've posted I just get so excited...is that sad? :) haha

    I didn't spot the spelling mistake but during the blog post I did, you put bog photos...I think you meant blog photos, it did make me giggle though :) we all make mistakes, no matter how many times we proof read :) xxx

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  2. Thx for the post ! I know you now :D

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  3. I think you're awfully brave to put up something like this on a public platform. I have experienced 3 of the 4 things you mentioned but I'm not at that point where I can openly talk about it on my blog or on twitter or even with friends. I envy you. Maybe someday I can get to where you are.

    Honestly speaking, I feel like you're already recovering. If you weren't, you wouldn't be able to post this.
    x
    Aria
    Girl in a Whimsical Land

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  4. I think you're awfully brave to put up something like this on a public platform. I have experienced 3 of the 4 things you mentioned but I'm not at that point where I can openly talk about it on my blog or on twitter or even with friends. I envy you. Maybe someday I can get to where you are.

    Honestly speaking, I feel like you're already recovering. If you weren't, you wouldn't be able to post this.
    x
    Aria
    Girl in a Whimsical Land

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  5. Firstly, I'm loving the new layout and name!

    And this is such a thoughtful and incredible post. I think you are so brave to be posting something like this and being so honest about your experiences. I have been through some of this myself and still am going through some aspects but I still haven't had the guts to share it with anyone. I hope that I can get to the stage where you are sometime soon, thank you for posting such an eye opening, honest post.

    Tasha xo
    hellonovemberx.blogspot.co.uk

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  6. I'm a new reader now! Just come across your blog and found this honest post so inspiring. I hope you can be happy in your future too, you seem very brave and I'm sure you will be able to conquer some of your demons.

    Good luck and I wish you all the best :) xox

    Jamie xox Reaping Beauty

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  7. I've just come across your blog and it's fab! I have so much admiration and respect for you, girl. I really hope you manage to battle some of those demons and become happier and happier xx

    Sam | Samantha Betteridge

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  8. I just found your blog and followed you on Bloglovin', although i'm a new reader I admire you for having the confidence to be able to share your story to try and help others. Hopefully one day I can try and do the same.

    - Amy xo

    allthingsamygrace.blogspot.com

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