Over the last two months i've sat down to tap out a blog post time and time again only to find myself staring blankly at the screen for a while before giving up. Blogging shouldn't be this hard, and when i started my blog it didn't feel this hard. I didn't used to think about what i wrote, now i question every sentence. Somehow blogging has become a constant analysis of whether anything i post is good enough, if i've revealed too much, if i come across as boring or pretentious....the list is endless and all revolves around appearing a certain way.
When it seems like everyone has a professional design, fancy camera and model looks, it's impossible really not to feel inferior and i'm assuming that nearly every blogger out there can relate to that in someway. For me these feelings are intensified even further by my anxiety and depression, i'm incredibly insecure, negative and self-critical in real life and this continues into the online world. Sometimes i can mask it well but when i'm feeling particuarly low it's difficult to write anything at all, not only am i a lot more harsh on myself but then there's also the pressure of not wanting to break the mask that i've built up. At that stage it becomes easier to neglect my blog completely, even though i don't necessarily want to, than to attempt to keep up the bravado.
'Wearing a mask wears you out. Faking it is fatiguing. The most exhausting activity is pretending to be what you know you aren't'
Despite all this and as much as i have been contemplating putting my blog to rest for good, i can't quite do it. There's still that niggling voice in my head reminding me how much i love being part of the blogger community and how hugely cathartic and enjoyable writing has been for me in the past and i want that again. So while i know i can't stop myself caring what other people think i figure that if i can at least be a bit more open about the negative parts of my life and try to release some of the pressure of needing to appear a certain way then maybe i won't feel the need to back away when things aren't great. From here on i'm posting what i want with or without explanation, whether it's an outfit post, drunken photos or a rant about mental health and the NHS. I'm reclaiming my blog.