Sunday, 17 August 2014

'Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.' - Dr Suess


Over the last two months i've sat down to tap out a blog post time and time again only to find myself staring blankly at the screen for a while before giving up. Blogging shouldn't be this hard, and when i started my blog it didn't feel this hard. I didn't used to think about what i wrote, now i question every sentence. Somehow blogging has become a constant analysis of whether anything i post is good enough, if i've revealed too much, if i come across as boring or pretentious....the list is endless and all revolves around appearing a certain way.

When it seems like everyone has a professional design, fancy camera and model looks, it's impossible really not to feel inferior and i'm assuming that nearly every blogger out there can relate to that in someway. For me these feelings are intensified even further by my anxiety and depression, i'm incredibly insecure, negative and self-critical in real life and this continues into the online world. Sometimes i can mask it well but when i'm feeling particuarly low it's difficult to write anything at all, not only am i a lot more harsh on myself but then there's also the pressure of not wanting to break the mask that i've built up. At that stage it becomes easier to neglect my blog completely, even though i don't necessarily want to, than to attempt to keep up the bravado.

'Wearing a mask wears you out. Faking it is fatiguing. The most exhausting activity is pretending to be what you know you aren't'

Despite all this and as much as i have been contemplating putting my blog to rest for good, i can't quite do it. There's still that niggling voice in my head reminding me how much i love being part of the blogger community and how hugely cathartic and enjoyable writing has been for me in the past and i want that again. So while i know i can't stop myself caring what other people think i figure that if i can at least be a bit more open about the negative parts of my life and try to release some of the pressure of needing to appear a certain way then maybe i won't feel the need to back away when things aren't great. From here on i'm posting what i want with or without explanation, whether it's an outfit post, drunken photos or a rant about mental health and the NHS. I'm reclaiming my blog.
XOXO

7 comments:

  1. I'm glad you've made a comeback. I felt the same way I knew I loved blogging and didn't wanna throw it all away. Really sorry to hear about your Anxiety too and I hope this post reaches out to those who are in the same situation. Thanks for sharing a well written inspiring post!

    Christina @ http://www.lifeandluxe.com/

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    1. thank you so much, i think a lot of people hit a bit of a blogging wall at some point but i'm happy we both decided to carry on :) Thank you again for reading and for the lovely comment ♥

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  2. Wow, what a raw, honest post Charlotte. Can't have been easy writing all of that, so well done you for being so strong and honest, and most importantly of all, speaking from the heart <3

    I'm so glad you haven't put your blog to rest, I've always loved reading your posts; you have a beautiful sense of style and an even more beautiful way with words, just as this post proves. I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way, I think you're right in saying we all can relate, I know I can. It seems like you have to have this impossibly "flawless, glamorous" lifestyle to be a blogger, with white walls, white teeth and a spotless flat, which is just so wrong. Never mind the fact that behind the smoke and mirrors, the real world just isn't like that. It sounds silly but this is why I'd never do lifestyle/beauty kind of posts.. my house looks like one of those "real life hoarder" episodes, so it would hardly look very appealing haha! ;) I was worried about sharing the more negative aspects of my life too, but last year I just wrote a massive essay on everything I felt and had been through, and I just felt so much more healthy for it, like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It definitely depends on how you feel, but I think sometimes it can be very therapeutic just to blog about the negative as well as positives.

    It's really good to have you back! Keep your head up Charlotte, and believe me when I say you're beautiful, stylish, smart, bright, strong and talented! Not always easy to think, I know, but it's all true. I definitely relate to lots of things you described in your post, so please know if you need a friend (or just to have a bit of rant) you can always drop me an email at s_sierra@live.co.uk, I'll be there! <3

    Sophie | soinspo xo

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    1. thank you so much sophie ♥♥ your comment mean a lot, i might not be able to see or believe everything you've said but it's still nice to hear :) it nice to know that people can relate but also sucky because i don't want anyone to feel like this, talking about it helps though and i'm happy that you were able to speak out too, its definitely a scary thing to do!
      I've been able to relate to a lot of what you've written before too and you just generally seem like a lovely lovely person so i will definitely keep you in mind if i need a chat...and i hope you can do the same, i'm at headoverheel91@hotmail.co.uk if you need anything at all ♥

      PS. my room is constantly a black hole of clothes, half empty coffee mug and general crap...it would take me days to prepare it for a lifestyle post ;)

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  3. I'm so glad you've come back to the blogging world, I've been a little bit awal sometimes too :/

    just blog about what you want to blog about, blog for you...if you have readers then that's an added bonus :) xxxx

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  4. Firstly, welcome back. :) Secondly, I think it's something a lot of people are struggling with because there doesn't seem like as much growth for smaller bloggers. Unlike YouTube Google doesn't put a lot of support and help into encouraging bloggers, and for many people the words & pictures format has moved on. However, there are lots of us who still love blogging, and it doesn't have to be what other people have made of it. It's your blog, and you can do what you like with it. Write as many posts as you want, choose your layout etc. People just want to connect with each other. I'm glad you've decided to do just that.

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